Long distance treking, by The General

Always be prepared, as they used to say in the Baby Lion Scouts.  I live by that motto.  Ever since they took my thumbs in 'Nam, I haven't been able to make fire on command.  As a result, I will now tell you about the checklist that I use to travel in comfort and survive any long trek.

First of all, take every single tools that you might want during your trip - my basic rule to keep packing light is "how many things can I hold at once."  Also, do not be fooled by the fact that some tools both smell and look like dirty socks.  It is a trick.  Pack it. 

I can carry lots of tools.

Next, make sure that you pack your bed.  I always travel with two beds and two blankets, because I prefer to sleep on a pillow top.

I like my beds like I like my burgers - double.

Speaking of burgers - snacks are important for any trip.  I recommend that you steal food, because then it is more satisfying to eat it.

I stole this from my dog, Millie.

Also, sometimes it gets chilly in the evening, so always make sure that you pack a jacket.

I only shop at Saks.

Make sure that your pets are cared for when you head out on your adventure.  Most pets are egotistical narcissistic attention hogs that are in need of constant attention.

When my dog begs for attention, I put on my paisley tie and ignore her, because I am a man.

Most importantly, make sure that you have some direct and invaluable role in the actual transportation - this makes in invaluable and guarantees that you will not mistakenly be left behind.

I am the navigator, and therefore in charge of everyone's fate.

Heed these instructions, and you are guaranteed to have a great trip.

Bears - Guest blog by The General

I've been keeping a weather eye on the bear situation for a while now.  I observe them, I learn from them, and I hunt them.

Watching bears.  Typical Saturday.

There are a few things about bears that I can respect.  One:  they can find food anywhere, just like me.  Two:  They aren't afraid to crap in the woods, just like me.  Three:  they know the importance of quality sleep.

Hibernating.  In a den.  Bears got this idea from me.

Though bears clearly have some things going for them, there are also some obvious problems.  First and foremost, they are bigger than me.  I don't respect it, and I don't trust it.  Hand to hand combat often comes down to size and ability to grow body hair, and most people would therefore lose to a bear.  Luckily, I am trained in the marital arts.  Therefore, I make it my duty to hunt bears.

The General: 1, Bears: 0

That is all.  Class dismissed.

An open letter to my fans - The General, guest blogger

ATTENTION!

Read this and learn, young bucks!  I have some very important advice. to give.  I will use my protege, Fritz Schnakenburg, to illustrate my points.

That's right, Fritz, drink this knowledge.

In order to make it in the world, there are some very basic rules that one needs to follow in order to keep up appearances.  In addition to eating the delicious and nutritious meals that my roommate outlines on this blog, one should make sure that he does his part to always command authority out in the world.

First of all, exercise.  This keeps you alert and ready to go to war whenever you are called to duty.  I, of course, am always on duty, as a decorated 6-Star general.  I like to take my dog for a run whenever I can.

Second.  Always match your belt with your tie.  Don't be a slob, boy.  Neither women nor terrorists respect a slob.

Third.  Do not drive a Miata, or everyone will hate you.

Your fist pump makes it even worse than it already was.

Fourth.  Make sure at the end of every argument that you force your enemy to beg.  This ensures your eternal dominance.

Out of fingers (they took my thumbs in 'Nam...bastards. I didn't have a matching belt that day).  Anyway, top off your day of dominance with a good night of sleep.

Break these rules, and I bet you will lose your thumbs (and respect) too.

I am watching you.

Update from The General

Well, last week, I was making my usual rounds following the hurricane.  As everyone knows, sometimes I take my meals in the woods so that I stay tough and maintain my survival instincts.  I ended up with some digestive issues, likely due to the fact that I mixed my survival meal with am impressive cardio performance.  To make a long story short, I underwent surgery and am currently recovering.  This reminds me of the time I lost my thumbs in 'Nam.

Clearly, the only option for me was to file a workers' compensation claim.  The insurance company has denied my claim - something about not being an employee yada yada.  So anyway, I am waiting for them to realize who they are dealing with.

Kielbasa is French for "thumb" - General Kane

Here I am, thinking about foreign things.



As everyone knows, I am a worldly man who speaks many languages that are foreign.  I like to translate things for my roommate as she cooks for me and my dog.  Tonight, she cooked kielbasa, which everyone knows is French for "thumb."  I know how to say thumb in every language, since I have to know how to tell people that they took my thumbs in 'Nam no matter where I travel in order to avoid awkward situations.

I enjoy my kielbasa with red wine.  You can tell it is red because of the color.  Yes, I am also a smellier in my spare time.  People are jealous of my knowledge of life and travel.  Don't backtalk me, Hop Scotch.



Waiting for kielbasa with my dog, Millie.



Tuesday: The most important day of the week (General Kane)

In my house, I do my accounting on Tuesdays.  It is very imporant to keep track of important things such as cereal intake, exercise, finances, and Kooks.  As you all know, I am a decorated Vietnam veteran.  While over there, I spent some time as a prisoner of war (they took my thumbs).  I therefore know that the Kooks are always a threat, so I like to keep a weather eye on the situation around the house.

I find that chewing on things while grabbing a nap helps me keep my senses alert.

I bought my dog Millie in order to assist me with guard duty.  Last Tuesday, during my accounting session, I drafted up a log for watch duties.  My roommate is excused because she disappears during the day and can't be counted on for these things.  It turns out, my dog is not interested in my watch log, so therefore, it is all up to me.

Watching for Kooks.

Today, after my cereal, I nibbled on a dry biscuit (I prefer to keep to an army ration based diet to stay sharp).  My main complaint is that it is hard to focus on both accounting and watch duty.  As you can see from my above fotos, I always like to wear my bowtie with my army medals.  I have found that the combination of the two shows everyone that I am both an intellectual and a decorated general.  I feel it is important that people have that warning before they decide to cross me.

You loookin' at me, Snack Shack?!

Guest blogger: General Kane

Hello.  My name is Kane, but you can call me The General.  Like my roommate, I am also a food expert, but a lot less picky.  Since I eat a better variety of things, I have informed Amanda that I should be a guest flogger to bring a new perspective to this flog.  I can't prepare all the fancy things that she talks about, because I lost my thumbs when I was in 'Nam.  I generally eat Purina cereal for my two major meals during the day since I am watching my figure, and snack on whatever is left on the counter by Amanda to tide me over in the afternoons.  This usually ranges from tomatoes to pomegranates, depending on what time of year it is.  As a general rule, I like to eat in a formal setting to properly honor the food, and therefore usually take my afternoon snacks on the oriental rug.  I prefer my food to be red and juicy, because I find that it improves the rug's color.

In the evenings, I enjoy a sniffer of brandy, but my roommate tells me that I shouldn't drink.  She has more rules than the army.  I am going to go see what is on the counter and then turn in for my afternoon nap.